Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Life Testimony

My name is Kevin Newman, I'm a believer in Jesus Christ, and I am a recovering alcoholic and coke addict. The first time I tried drugs was when I was 8 y/o, I smoked pot with a neighbor, and I didn't even know what it was. From there the pains and chains of life got me deeper and darker into a hole that I couldn't get out of. I was never confident as a kid. I was always the fat "funny" kid, that tried to make people laugh with me, before they could laugh at me. Life beat me up as I grew up. I went through pretty much every abuse there is out there, physical, sexual, emotional. I held onto every "hurt" everyone did or said to me. I was a sensitive person.
My dad left when I was 6 y/o and died when I was 20 y/o, the only thing I remember from that time, was the first line of his will. Which read, "I Jack Newman of sound mind and body, intentionally omit my son, Kevin Shawn Newman and my daughter, Kimberly Dawn Newman from my will." That day hit me like a ton of bricks. My whole life I had put my dad up on a pedestal, to my mom and sister. I had fought them for his honor, my whole life, and now he kicked me in the face for it. He said loud and clear to the entire world that I was not his son.
That time of my life, I went into a depression like no other. I could have cared less about anything. The only absolute in my life, through this time was my mother. She was my security blanket, she was there to catch me every time I fell, OD'ed, got arrested or lost another job. She is the strongest woman I know. She everything she could to raise 2 BAD kids, without a sinlge "your doing a Good job, or a single, thank you." She pushed through it, doing the best she could and knew how to do. She stood by me through several attempts to clean up my act, and live sober. But I always did it for her, and not myself. So I relapsed. She let me live at home and some how I got my paramedic license, and finally I moved out or she pushed me out, I don't remember.
I moved out and into my roommates house, which was the beginning of God working on me. My best friend and roommate, Jason Smith, was raised christian his whole life. It was like God and Satan living in one house. For a while Satan was winning. We were partying and I was pulling Jason down, instead of him lifting me up. Then Jason introduced me to Karen, now my wife. I moved in with her, and started our life together. This WHOLE time I was still drinking till I passed out and drugging, HARD!! Karen never knew it. For two years I was using behind her back. It wasn't until Jason begged Karen and I for WEEKS to come listen to him play the drums at church. I would mock him, and make fun of him. Finally we went. I had never been to christian church before, and when I tell you God punch me right in the stomach. I had never felt anything like that, no drink or drug could match that high. I wanted more. We went for about a month, and for that month I stayed sober. For the first time I did it for me, and myself, and because I wanted a better life. Karen and I were already married by now and Aiden was about 3 or 4 months old. It was then that Karen and I BOTH gave our lives to God.
After that, my heart hurt, everyday, all day. Cause Karen never knew of my drug use, she knew about the hard core drinking but not the drugging. No one did. Now I was clean for a month, I had given my life to God, and my wife didn't know the half of it. When I told her, I worried, would she leave me, would she take Aiden. Would I give my life to God, stay clean on my own for the first time with the power of God, and then lose everything. I couldn't let that stop me. I had to be honest with her. I needed her support in order to continue. Recovery steps told me I had to right all the wrongs. So I told her, and she reacted. I wasn't sure how she reacted but she did. Things we're not cool around the Newman house for a long time. But there was still a Newman house. She didn't leave me, when her mom and sister, and society, told her to leave me. Told her that there was no way that without help, with "JUST JESUS" that I was clean for a month. She didn't leave me. Cause she to had given her life to God also, and God let her know, stick with me, stand behind me, and with Him all things are possible.
The next few months, were crazy. Aiden was now 5-6 months old. Karen went through times where she didn't trust me. I had to take home drug tests from Walgreens, and God was moving us to Canton, GA. All at the same time. I was new into my recovery, Karen was on me about finding a meeting. I was trying to find a job. Karen supported us for awhile, I had a FF job coming but had to wait on it. I stayed clean, kept searching for a church like the one we fell in love with. Then the series "For Better or For Worse" came to town. We came to Ridge Stone at that time, and God let us know. This is your home now, this is where your life will change and you will change lives.
Days, turned into months, sobriety was strong, through God. No meetings. I got my job as a FF, and life was going great. Around Feb or March Karen got pregnant again. God was blessing us with our second child. November 7, 2007 Reagan Marguerite Newman was born, life changed again as I knew it. I was now the father of two, the husband of one, life was great. I was working, alot and Karen was also. We needed help so we prayed for months and hired Andrea to come and live with us. It was a perfect match. Our lives were going great now, and we owed it all to God. We both got baptized together. Life was awesome, God was blessing us in ways we never thought possible.
Time and life was passing by so quickly. You never realize how much you take for granted, till God hits the reset button on you. We were living for God, me staying Sober and planning launch for Celebrate Recovery at The Revolution Church. Then at the launch, God hit the reset button and took our little baby girl. That sent my whole life into a spin cycle. The only definite in my life was PAIN and a lot of it. I didn't know which way was up. After the smoke cleared and my mind came out of the haze. I realized what took place, was real. I felt a calming on my heart, that all the things God has brought me to know, were now coming into my reality. I had ask God for a way to repay him for taking me out of the life I had come to know. The life of depression and hatred, and drugs and alcohol. I ask him for a way to repay him for blessing me with the life I had come to know, with positive people, great family, wonderful wife, beautiful, healthy children, financial freedom, and self pride, that I had never experienced before. God's answer to all that, was, have faith in him, when everything else told me not to. The way I could repay him for the life he blessed me with, was trust him, in EVERYTHING, when the secular world told me, I had a reason to pull away from him. I could repay him, by being a strong threshold, to bridge the gap between Him and those far from him. I could repay him for everything he has given me by not understanding why he needed my little girl, and just trusting him that he needed my little girl.
We all love to have faith in God, and trust in God. When times are going good. When our lives are going exactly how we pictured them to be going. It is when things turn for the worse, when your all alone, out in the dark. When you feel furthest from God. That's when he is the closest to me. That's when my faith, when my trust in God is the greatest. I believe, and have seen His miracles. I know what he is capable of, I know he is here with me. I trust in him, and love him. He is my ROCK!!! He is the reason I am able to get up and do this everyday. He is the reason, my life is where it is now. He is the same God that I was worshiping, when times were great, and he is the same God I worship, now, that times are tough.

Give me the strength to get through another day, bless me with another day of sobriety. Bless me with the tools to raise my son in your light. Father, keep me out of my own way, and let me live out your will for me. However that looks Father, I trust you. You are my teacher and I, your student, teach me your plan for my life. I love you, I thank you, and I know I am nothing with out you.

No comments:

Post a Comment