Journal Entry #1

The Services for my precious lil girl were AMAZING!!! God blessed me with the strength to get up in front of hundreds of people, THATS RIGHT hundreds of people, to give the testimony I felt him calling me to give. I thought I wouldnt be able to give it, because I was shaking, trembling inside, and a lump formed in my throat. I walked by everyone, following my four GREAT friends (pall bearers) who were carrying my lil baby girl. My amazing friend Swift sang a song for us that he wrote himself, a song that plenty of time b4 this day, brought tears to my eyes. Not this day, God wouldn't allow it. Not because the song was bad, but because he kept me strong, if I started crying, I wouldnt stop. So he didnt let me cry during this beautiful song. Once the song was over, it was my turn. Ok, I told myself and God, Here we go. You want this to happen God?? You're gonna have to make it happen, because with out you, I am not strong enough to do this. My "Brother" Jason P. Smith, (the vehicle God used to get me to have a relationship with him)
stood by my side. My security blanket. If I was unable to do it. He was to step in to finish reading what God wrote down on a paper for me to read. God told me that these people needed to hear these things from my lips. So I opened introducing Jason to the "Crowd" then my mind went blank, my eyes went dry, my throat went clear, and my voice went deep. The words flowed more freely than, the water in a river. My dark sunglasses hid my eyes and was like a curtain between me and the people. I looked down at the paper in front of me. I could only HEAR everyone crying and sniffling. God wouldn't allow that to stop my testimony though. So I continued on. What seemed like an eternity, took about 10mins. When I was done, I made it far enough to sit down next to my wife, and I collapsed. I broke down, and cried like God let all the tears build up, but wouldnt release, like a dam on a river. Then Swift sang another beautiful song, this time this song, made faucets out of my eyes...looking at the most beautiful pictures, my eyes have ever seen. Those of you who havent seen my daughter check out her slide show here www.flickr.com/photos/sillysilers/sets/72157612561476008/ My daughter has the most hypnotizing eyes, and they had my attention on this day. Then my pastor, scratch that, one of the best friends I have in GA, Gary Lamb, gets up and brings the heat in one of the best SERMONS I have heard. hit em where it hurts. The purpose, to let people know how much Reagan meant to us, how much we mean to God, and how much a relationship with Jesus will mean to them. Karen and I dont want Reagan's death to go on for no reason. God has a purpose for this happening, and we want everyone to know the reason God is telling us. At this time, the reason, was to bring others closer to God by using our testimony. When Gary asked if there was anyone who wanted to give there life to God, 10, thats right 10 people raised their hands, and some didnt want to put it down. Some were convicted by our testimony, but were scared. Trust me I know. 10 people, I prayed, for one person to come to know God from my daughters death and God give me the pleasure of seeing ten. Give something away and it comes back to you in ten fold, right?? After following the same four amazing guys in our lives carry my lil angel through a tunnel of uniformed BROTHERS AND SISTERS to the hurse. Following the hurse, the procession starts, with a bucket ladder, 2 engines, 3 chief vehicles and multiple cops leading the way. People walking down the street, stopped, removed their hats and held them on their hearts. Now, I don't know about you, but that is RESPECT. My lil' girl only 14 months old and she is going out like she is the friggin mayor. Turning onto the interstate, I notice an another engine, from another fire dept. BLOCKING the entire highway, in full gear, with helmets on their hearts. they didnt know my daughter, hell they didnt even know me. But, they knew the brotherhood they were part of. Every exit we passed, was blocked. The interstate was an island, and we were the only ones on it. The emotions I felt at this time were so over whelming, that I couldnt hold it in. I was crying so hard, every cop we passed had his hat on his heart, every engine had full gear. It was something out of the movies. As we pulled up to the gravesite, we parked, and WATCHED, and watched and watched, as car after car pulled into this cemetery for my lil "Reagie Girl" finally the procession was in, and we got out of the car. I grabbed my wives hand and prayed for strength, cause I knew, we were about to lay my baby to rest. The last time my first daughter, the owner of my heart, would leave this earth forever. Emotion at red alert, and the tunnel of "My Brothers" lined up, sitting next to my daughters grave, my four boys, bring the precious one, and set her in front of me and Karen. With flowers all over and my family next to me. Everyone closed around us, with the cold frigid wind blowing over me, and hands frozen, and tears burning my face. Preston Porter, one of the most important people in my family lives, began to speak. I dont remember what he said, why cause I was cold and I was sitting in a place I would soon be visiting, A LOT. After he was done, the line of hugs began. I was tired of hugs already but, the warmth of feelings and strong embraces of my friends and family, washed over me and warmed me, from the inside out. Thank You God, it was finally done, now I would be able to start the grieving process.

I am at a loss on a lot of things now. how do I go back to trying to save lives physically. I feel like saving them spiritually. Why God took my lil baby girl from my wife and I. Dont know!!! But I know he has a plan for me, and in that is where I get my comfort. I trust in God with everything I have and am, I ask only that he let me know what he has going on with my life, so I can get on board.

God I love you, I thank you, and I know I am nothing without you. Please, bless me with strength and understanding in your plan for me and my life. Let me be whatever it is that you want me to be. Let me make you proud each and everyday. Let me not take you for granted, and let me never falter away from your path for my life. Open the doors you want me to go through and close shut, the ones you dont want me to go through. Light the path of my life, so that I will take not a single step in the dark. Father, I have nothing unless you bless me with it. Bless me father.

Amen.