Monday, January 19, 2009

My talk with God

Just for today,
I promise not to use drugs or alcohol.
I pray for strength.
I cant believe 2 wks ago my wife and I, while doing nite nite prayers. Prayed that prayer. The prayer that God make us, use us, as a family that everyone looks at and says "wow, there is something Godly, about that family" That prayer as changed my life. God, why so drastically??? Why does God have to have me SOooo friggin humbled. I feel like a lost little child in the dark. Spinning around like an idiot. I feel like, I did my part, I gave my daughter back to him. I know he let me just borrow her for 14 months, but I gave her back. I laid her to rest. I gave her back to you, God. So where are you at now. I know I asked for strength to get through my testimony. I know you were there and you gave me that strength. I know you rejoiced when 10 people gave there lives to you because of that. I know this. God, I ask for more!!!. Its not enough. I am pissed God. I feel like I got the short end of the stick. I feel like, I out gave you God. I gave the ultimate, I gave my daughter. Now where are you, yo ugot me sitting life in limbo. God, dangit, PLEASE, give me some friggin guidance here. God, you know as well as I do, if you leave me here to long, stangnet, that the devil is gonna eat at me. Now God, three bless me with the understanding of your plan and will for me, bless me with the strength, wisdom, courage, and honor to tell the devil to go back to hell, or leave me alone. Use me God, your my shepard, I trust you. I am your sheep. NOW USE ME!!!! I'm here God, I'm here, on my knees, humbled before you, shouting out, crying out to Jesus. Use me as you will. I know this is not fro no reason. So guide me......damn God. What do you have for me. Why my daughter, what you have planned better change the world. I know I said your plan include my tesimony to change one person's life. I know. God, simply put, what you have showed me so far, your reason for taking Reagan.......IS NOT ENOUGH!!! I want more. Use me to do something great. I'm ON BOARD God, what ever it is, JUST LET ME KNOW ALREADY!!!!!! Come on, God. I know in your time, but crap this is rediculous. You know what God, Father almighty, maker of heaven and of earth, savior of my your time, I just need something God. I need something to go by. Something to tell me where to take my next step. Cause I cant stand still anymore, And I'll be damned if i'm gonna take a step without your guideance.

THATS IT!!!! Its a test isnt it? your testing my patience with you. Testing to see just how long I will sit here and just trust in you. While you just do nothing. OK. I trust in you God. I just need some kinda light, some hint of your plan. I am not taking a step till you show yourself and your plan for me. Not a step. Cause you know as well as I do, that would be the Death of me.

I love you, I thank you, and I know I am nothing without you. Thank you, God for letting me vent on you. I know you are here with me. I just need to feel it, feel you.


  1. Dude, you inspire the HELL out of me. Literally. The way I've seen you handle things and the direction that you're questioning God about, it inspires me to strive for that kind of faith. I know you've heard it a million times over the past week, and I know I'm probably beating a dead horse by telling you again, but your story, your testimony stands up and knocks me in the freaking face. I'm constantly praying for you and your wife and I know that you guys are going to be fine.

    My wife told me the story of your home team and how God put a certain couple in your life who had lost a child of their own, several months ago. He did that for a reason. He did that to prepare you... you know that already. He had set things up for this tragic event, even without you knowing. That's pretty amazing, if you ask me.

    Once again, stay tough. I'm on my knees constantly for you guys. Thinking of you many times a day.. knowing you'll have that clarity before you know it. Just keep shouting to God and keep blogging. Both those things will keep you sane.

  2. Ya'll are HARDCORE Christians! Not pansy ass ones but the real deal. The 'change my life in all aspects for Christ' deal. I want you to know that...because I don't think you understand how many people see you and your struggles and wish they could be as Godly as you and your wife. YOU ARE the Godly family that everyone looks at and wishes they could have that strength and faith and love you do. The fact that you gave Reagan back to God, its huge, its indescribable and you know that Great works will come of it (HAVE come of it). Let this momentum build inside you to do great things, God is there and so are many people praying and pulling for you and your family. You are NEVER alone. Not for one single moment thing you can't let someone in to help. God bless.