Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Karen Newman "Breaking Her Silence"

Karen allowed me to
copy this from her first
journal entry!!!

So I don't have any "why me" or "Why not me's" going through my head. Right now I'm calm.
Last night, when I was cleaning, I was pissed, FOR REAL!!! When we prayed out loud to be "that family" that when people looked at us, they knew there's something different, I never would have expected this. If I would have known this would be the result, I would have been more than happy "just" being the family next door. If God would have given me the choice, I very selfishly would have thought of another way. That's why he didn't give me the choice. I would have fought him every step. I AM SELFISH!! I want my "Baby Reagie Girl" back. How can I be that way? Why would I rather see people never know you, then to have "Reagie" here. Because, I'm a "MOM" and mom's would do ANYTHING for their children.

Have to literally keep reminding myself that he knew what and how long Reagie was here for. Long before I even knew I was pregnant with her.

New thing I hate hearing when someone dies:
1. "God Has a plan for you"
Well, no shit! I knew he had a plan for me days, weeks, months ago. I just didn't think this was part of it. Those words don't make me feel any better at all. Last night, the only comfort I had, was when I read what people wrote to me about wanting to learn more about church and God. Also, hearing about people who have a "renewed" faith in God.
2. "He/she looks so peaceful" (no shit)
3. "Oh, they did such a good job. It's like he/she is sleeping.
If when I die, they make me look like I was sleeping. My mouth would be wide open, I would have drool stuck to my face and pillow, and my hair would look like shit. That's real sleeping.

Every mother who loses a child will always feel they didn't protect their child enough. Or they could have done something to prevent it. In some cases, it maybe true. But, you are the almighty "grim reaper." If time is up, its up, and there is nothing humanly or motherly possible to help that. I pray you keep easing my mind and heart. To know deep down within, that you did this, not me. And not you in a bad way, either. You had this set up before she even came here.

Tell me something...how exactly did Mary continue to go on with her life? how did she cope with the death of her son? Did she blame herself? Did she question "God's Plan"(still hate that word) Did she get angry with God?

Got pissed with myself for being so materialistic. I'm gonna miss shopping for Reagie's clothes. Are you kidding- her clothes?? She has more clothes than you could imagine. I'm really gonna miss her smile and giggle. I loved it when, she wanted me to chase her. I took it for granted. I use to get pissed because everything I did playing with her, Aiden wanted me to do with him. Why would I be pissed about something so stupid. Because that's what happens. You live life and your human. I am not "Super Mom." But I am a mom and at times a pretty damn good one.

There are times when I don't want to let Aiden out of my sight. There are times when I need a break from him. How do I learn to balance "MY" anxiety about leaving him, with letting him be a normal kid.

Again these are the words of Karen J. Newman. The strongest woman I know. Even when she thinks she is her weakest, she is still the strongest. We have been through some horrible times in our relationship, but we still love God, and each other. Karen I love you, and together we will prosper. 01/20/09


  1. Karen,
    I wish I could help ease your pain. You are and always will be an awesome mom and wife. I am so proud of you. Keep getting your thoughts out any way you know how. You and Kevin are incredible human beings and I love you both...

  2. Karen & Kevin,

    I have been praying you both that you can rest in HIS arms and feel HIS breath on your neck has HE holds you both in HIS hands. He has you both.

    In HIS Mighty Love,
    Trina Britt