I have to ask myself today....Kevin, "Where Art Thou?"
Talking to myself I ask, where are you at? In my life? In my relationships? In my job? In my travels towards my vision for my life? I ask these things of myself because I notice that I have found myself "LOST."
I found myself "lost" in the "hussle and bussle" of everyday life. I remembered when I lost Reagan that I was not going to allow my life to be ordinary any longer. I wanted my life to mean something to make a difference. I wanted that difference to be for God. So I found myself engrossing in the works of God. Doing whatever I saw a need for, whatever I found that could help someone, or would minister to someone. I wanted everyone around me to feel the freedom I felt from my relationship with God. So I did everything I could to make that happen. I wanted to live a different life than what I was living. I wanted people to look at me and see that you can go through a horrible time in your life, and not let it stop you. I felt I was doing GREAT at that, funny thing is.....that's all I was doing, putting on a great performance. So I thought!
I thought that in order for people to see me working through the death of my daughter. For people to see me "Full of Christ" meant that people had to see me with it all together. It consumed me. I wanted to do it all, I wanted to do everything I could to do the works of Christ. To live a biblical life. To work in ministry, I wanted to do it all. I wanted to do, so I didn't have to feel. I wanted to do, because it had become my new addiction. I fooled myself into thinking that serving God, was the same thing as strengthening my relationship with God.....this could be true, if the service does not take away from the relationship, but in fact, adds to it. Service for God is not the same as my relationship with God. I got that mixed up in my head. My priorities are supposed to be: Relationship with God, Relationship with Spouse, Relationship with kids, Job(service for God), then everything else.
What was I doing wrong??? How did my life start to spiral out of control???
I let my priorities get completely out of whack. I let myself get in the way. I convinced myself that my service for God was part of my relationship for God. That was excuse I used, for myself and for my family. For the time that I took away from my family, heck even the time I took away from God. I let my "DOING" things for God get in the way of my relationship with God. I stopped seeking God in everything I did or thought. I started making decisions under my own power, not seeking God for wisdom first...I was trying to control things. This is when we start to struggle, when we try to control things.
So I was trying to convince myself that sacrificing for service to God was ok, because it was for God. The bible tells me different now....now that I am even reading it again. It says that God does not need my sacrifices, that He seeks my obedience. Hmmmm there is a word for ya'. Obedience, to God. The bible tells me to love my wife like Christ loves the church. So that brought me to another question.
Was I loving my wife like Christ loved the church, when I was sacrificing my time with her to go and help others. Yeah, it may have been for a good reason BUT was it loving her like Christ loved the church? Probly not. I know I put a lot on my wife, and ask a lot of her. I know for a fact that I am more understanding and patient with complete strangers than I am with my wife. Why do I do that, maybe because I am a freaking pig. Maybe cause I am NOT loving my wife like Christ loves the church. I am not saying that I don't love my wife dearly, I DO, absolutely.....BUT, I am most likely loving my wife like A LOT of other guys that say they love their wives out there. I love her, I am in love with her.....BUT am I doing eveything in my power to make her happy. Am I seeking God's wisdom and guideance unto how to be the best husband I can be? No. Am I seeking God to help me be the exact husband my wife needed me to be each and everyday, because my wife needs a different husband at different times. Sometimes she needs a "fixer" husband, sometimes she needs a "listener" husband, and sometimes she needs "protector" husband....was I seeking God to help me do everything in my power to allow my marraige to be the VERY BEST it could be.....the answer to these questions is NO. Why? I used to do these things. I used to seek God every morning, asking for guideance, for wisdom, for strength, for courage and for honor, that He help me be the MAN He needs me to be. Why did I stop these things....Priorities!!!
My priorities had gotten all out of whack, my priorities were not in line with that of the bible. My priorities were starting to be that of the flesh, and of my ego. Let people see me doing good through such a horrible time in my life. Let people see how hard I worked for God. It was no longer about me seeking my all loving, forgiving, and graceful God each and every day. It was no longer about me seeking out God's will for my life, but seeking out God to help me with "My will, for, My Life."
Getting my priorities out of whack has affected every part of my life, and I didn't even realize it. As bad as it sounds, I am happy to say that this is no longer gonna be an issue for me. For now. I see now how important my relationship with God is for me. I can not live without Him in my thoughts, actions, and life, each and everyday. I am no good to service Him without my relationship with Him. I promise this is ending today. For me it is no longer about how people view me, but how God views me.
I am also making a stand right here and now to absolutely love my wife like Christ loves the church. I promise to love her unconditionally. I realize I can not change my wife, I can only change the way I view her and her actions and who she is. I am deeply in love with my wife, I just have not showed that lately.
My wife is now back in the place she belongs, Number 1, right behind my wonderful loving God. I promise to seek His face in everything I do. I will ask Him for strength, courage, wisdom, and honor each and everyday. I will ask Him for the tools neccesary to be the husband my wife needs for today, and ask for His help to make my marriage the very best I can, Just For Today!!
As for my vision for my life....I had realize also that I was consumed with not being the person I had used to be that I was not seeking God for how the new me was to be. I had not even thought about vision. For me or my family or for my job. I never stopped to think about vision for future. I was just trying to live one day at a time. That was cool for then, but now God has given me peace to start to move forward and forge ahead, not forgetting!!! Just moving ahead. I realized that a movement without vision, is just a quick trip to failure. So what is my vision, for my life? For my marriage? For my family? For my ministry? I don't know exactly but I am happy now and rejoicing in the fact that it is even a concern of mine. I will be adding this to my prayers and seeking God on all the visions of my life. I forging ahead, from good to great, and I am excited about it.
I will update you later on how this goes for me, till then may God bless you as much as He has blessed me.