Newness....

Its been awhile since I have blogged, but I promised myself I would blog at least once a month. So here goes....

A lot has happened in the last couple of months. I have continued my walk with God, serving Him to the highest. I felt like He was calling me to quit my career of being a firefighter where I served for three years. So I did, with nothing to fall back on, with no applications, no interviews, nothing....I just felt Him calling me to clear my schedule so I quit. That was probably the most scariest thing I ever did. What would I do for money, ins for my family, what kind of man was I to ask my wife to go back to work full time, so I could quit, with nothing to back up on. No security blanket, heck that is how I lived my whole entire life. Didn't make a move without a security blanket, without a pretty good idea of what was next. Not this time. NOPE, this time I was trusting in God, and it felt great. I was happy with my decision and so was Karen...she supported me the whole way. For that I am forever in debt to her. So I quit my job, went out on faith and faith alone. I started going through the hiring process with an old job I had at a hospital in Forsyth....When I got a call from the pastors of my church. They wanted to meet with me.

So two weeks after I left the fire Dept, with no idea what was next. I met with the pastors of my church and they offered me a position on the church staff. Now I must tell you this was such a shock, cause I always asked to work at the church and they said they didnt have a position. So I was shocked to say the least. OF COURSE, I took the position. I would now, run the Celebrate Recovery Ministry and also responsible for the Set-up/Tear-down of the church every Sunday. Needless to say I was psyched about the CR position and nervous about the Setup/teardown position. All and all almost 2 months later and I am still plugging along. CR is making some huge strides. It is all God, I seek His face on every move I make, and He makes it happen.

So now I am working at the best church in the world www.TheRevoltution.tv Karen went back to work fulltime, which when she went back she got two promotions. So now she is the ER Manager or something big like that. Right now she is the top dog in the ER, and I could not be mroe proud of her. She is doing what she always said she wanted to do. To be challange and use her skills and knowledge to make a difference, and she is doing just that. I am very proud of you Karen.

Aiden is turning into a little man already, he is now 3 1/2 y/o.....and he is just talking like someone is paying him to do it. He says the funniest stuff and he is my best friend right now. He now prays at night, and talks about going to church. He loves going to church, and talking about God and Jesus, and seeing all his friends. It makes a dad proud to watch this go down. Yea, he might not be the fastest kid or he might not be able to dribble a basketball, BUT, he can tell you his ABC's and all their sounds, and what word starts with what. He says he loves Jesus, and thanks God, and for this.....he makes me the proudest Daddy ever.

My memorial sleeve tattoo is almost complete, been working on it for some time now. I miss my little girl so much. Think about her everyday, miss here little smile and the smell of her bald head. I wonder if she will still smell like that in heaven??? Do people grow up in heaven, will she always be a baby in heaven? Will she recognize me in heaven?? These are questions I ask myself sometimes....dont know the answer, but still ask them none the less. I try everyday to make my daughter and God proud. I do what I can to serve God to the highest, and spread His kingdom. The biggest fear I have in life is that I will not do enough for His glory, and in turn allow my daughter to die for no reason. "Reagan I promise I will do everything in my power not to let that happen." I dont know how I will feel in the future, but right now I love God, my family and my life, I miss my daughter and Soemtimes I wish I could have her back. I know she is in a better place, but sometimes I just wanna be selfish....sometimes, I am jealous of Reagan, and sometimes I am jealous of God. but I knwo I will see both of them one together. Then I will grab my little girls hand and let her mead me to go hug OUR father together. I heard a new song that absolutely choked me up. It is "Heaven is the Face" by Steven Curtis Chapman....check it out on youtube. Its about Steven's 5y/o daughter who died last year, from an accident at home, where she got run over by an SUV driven by her older brother....sad to hear about this, and my prayers go out to the family. I now feel connected in someway to everyone who has buried a child. Buring my child is the hardest thing I have ever done, but it will not keep me from living out the plan God has for my life. I can't let it, Reagan would not want me to, and God is bigger than this event, and has given me strength to pick up the peices.

So why then do I talk about newness.....maybe it is because my wife and I found out we are going to be giving birth to a new baby in 8 months. So this is a true blessing. This is newness....What also is newness is the mixed feelings I am having now. I am so happy I get to be a dad to another child. I can't help but feel guilty though for being excited about a new child. I had/have another child and her name is Reagan. She will always be my little girl, and I will never forget her. I pray she understands that daddy is not moving on without her, but she is always in and on my heart. I carry you with me everywhere baby girl, I look down at my arm and see you pretty face on there smiling up at me. I say this, but it stills hurts to know she is not here. I am pleased and thankful for this new baby. I will love this baby, with my whole heart, this baby will not replace my Reagie Girl just simply add to our family. Reagan noone could EVER replace you, and noone ever will. Daddy will not let it happen. You and me, we will always be....forever and ever.

So I am totally shocked that I am gonna be a new dad, but very excited. That was until I started having "The Feeling". You see before Reagan died, I could feel that God was preparing me for something "HUGE" and not in a good way. I literally though my mom was going to die, and I was preparing for that. I told this to Karen and Andrea before Reagan died, then 5 months later I buried my daughter. So about a week ago I started having the same feelings, and to be honest it is scaring the CRAP out of me. There is nothing I can do except Hold tight to the cross, no matter what happens in my life. See there is nothing that is gonna change the past, and there is nothing that is gonna change my faith. I trust in God completely, this doesnt mean I cant be scared. As long as I dont live out of that fear. I pray to God everyday, that He uses me to the fullest, that I am radically changed for Him and in Him and that He always me to make a difference in this world through Him. As long as I live this out, I think He will be proud.

In closing, there is gonna be even more crap that I go through in my life, but God is still God. he is still the God I worshiped when He freed me from the chains of addiction, so He'll be the same God I serve and glorify for the rest of my life. My love and Faith in God is not circumstantial!!!! It is undivided and everlasting, and true. So if I gotta go through hard times to glorify God, then I say Bring it....cause you can't stop me, and you can't break me with the grace, love, and forgiveness of Jesus Christ.

God,
I come before you Father, thanking you. Thank you for allowing me to be able to have true faith in you, to be able to trust in you for everything. Father, thank you for the strength to live on another day just to glorify your name. Father, I dont care how it looks, you define the design for my life. I pray only for your guidance and wisdom onto your plan for my life. Father, allow me to be courageous, strong and dangerous against the evils that will attack me, my friends, and my loved ones. Father help me to be the man you need me to be to further you kingdom, one life at a time. I love you God, I thank you, I praise you, and I know I am nothing without you....in Jesus name.
Amen