It has been one month since my Reagie has gone home. Gone home? I know I say gone home, went to be with her real father, or she has gone to heaven. I say these things, and believe them with all that is in me. Right now though, it is not making the PAIN that I feel, any less. People have told me, things will get easier with time. So far, things have gotten so MUCH harder with time.
I thank God for the vehicles I call my friends that he has blessed Karen and I with. With out our family and friends, church and awesome jobs, we would be in shambles. More than we are, wow, I had not realized how much I had to say. The thoughts are just BLOWING through my mind, so please, work with me, and try to understand.
This last month has been FILLED with so many triumphs and let downs.
Let downs seem to fill my days, Karen has had nothing but problems trying to get an appt. with a professional Psychologist to seek help with possible PTSD=Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. That is a huge let down, in itself. Where am I going with this. Karen has exhaulted every person our ins company gave us, with no avail. She has called so many leads, from EAP, nothing. If we were not strong people, I could see how one would take their own life in this situation. Bewtween BEATING your head against a wall, guilt and regret, and NO help from EAP, I could see it.
Yes, let downs, Aiden went to his first play therapists last Tues. Just happen to be 3 wks, to the day the he walked in his sisters room and found her, hanging into between her crib and her dresser, STUCK. There now everyone can have the WHAT HAPPENED? Answered. I am sorry, for that. Moving on. Aiden went to his therapists, cause he has been having, extreme behavior changes. Isolation, depression(sadness), playing habits(a lot rougher with things), not getting excited to do things that he used to get exstatic about. So, we are in the meeting with him, things are just casual, he is playing and stuff. Halfway through, Karen is talking with the therapist, he ask me to go to the bathroom. I take him, come back, and me and him are playing a game on the table. Therapist says we should talk to him about reagan. OK, this is me talking to Aiden now, "Aiden, do you miss Reagie?" he says "Yea" ask him "are you sad when you think about her" says "yea" "why are you sad" he says "reagie stuck in the wall" i say "your right, reagie was stuck in the wall" "did you tell Fran-frea(andrea his nanny)" "yea, I tell Fran-frea" "did fran-frea get reagie unstuck?" "Yea, fran-frea, get reagie unstuck." "what did fran-frea do next?" "fran-frea help reagie." "How did fran-frea, help reagie?" With this question, he didnt answer, he demonstrated, with out coaching, he put his hand on the table, put his lips next to his hand, and BLEW, twice, as to give to breathes of air for CPR. I Lost it. To this point in this WHOLE ordeal, Karen and I have been in denial to what all Aiden would remember and to what detail. Between this interview and what the therapist says, he remembers DETAILED second by second, EVERYTHING.
As I said let downs have been happening all around me. I know I should not be feeling guilty, but sometimes you can not help it. My wife is hurting inside, I wanna just jump inside her, and make it all better. My son, is STUCK at the moment in his life when he found his baby sister dead. Me, I can not DO anything. I can not help anyone, I can barely help myself. I am a nuturer, by nature, I help people for my friggin job. I can't take my wife's pain away, I can't take my son's memory away, it makes a man. A man, a 6'4" 290 lb man, can not do a DAMN thing to protect, provide, and secure his family. It hurts, to know you just have to stand by, and let God. This experience, has changed me for ever. It has changed my outlook on life. I know that I have to stretch myself, by stretch, I mean, push myself to be things now that I was not before. I was never a Good listener, I told you I am a fixer, I am a problem solver. Now I realize the only way I can solve this problem is to listen to my wife, genuinly listen to her. Not, trying to fix her, but love on her, and tell her I am sorry she is hurting. That's it? Yea, that's it. For my son, just love on him, and Talk to him, genuinly talk to him, like a big boy. See this whole time, I talked to my wife and listened to my son. I had it completely backwards, if you think about it. I tried fixing my wife's problems, "telling" her what she had to do. I kept listening to my son, trying to see what he would do and say next. Not giving him the chance or benefit, that he deserved a "Real" conversation with his Dad. See he is 3 now, he turned 3y/o, 3 days after his sister died. He understands ALOT!!!!! I never gave him that, respect, has a grown boy. So now I have to talk to him, like I know he understands.
So one month in, and yesterday, was the first time since the day after reagie's funeral, since I have been back to her gravesite. Call it avoidance, call it whatever. I just didn't go. Now I see why, I believe, with everything that is in me, that God took Reagie, and she is in heaven right now. When I sit on my best friends bench (a memorial for his baby girl, that is RIGHT next to Reagan) when I sit on the bench next to Reagan. Quitely, the devil, picks at me. Tells me, look Kevin, your daughter, has been buried right next to Lloyd Manous, with his bingo card on his plot marker. The devil, says, look Kevin, look around. All these people lived their lives to the fullest, they saw everything they wanted to. Lived to ripe old ages. But not your daughter, not reagie. If there was a God, why would he take her, Kevin. He is calling by name, mind you. Kevin, she was gonna be so much. Literally I stand up, I go and kneel next to my 14 month old daughter's gravesite. I fix her plot marker(it was crooked), I clean the toys and stuff, that people had left for her. AND I YELL TO GOD!!!!!! God, dammit, if you are real, if you are who you say, you are. Then you get this devil the hell away from me. You tell him to leave me and my family alone, and YOU help us through this. You GIVE us comfort, like my faith in you tells me. God, damn, help me through this. I would have thought by now, you would have already reached down, and wipe are tears away. So show yourself, and get this devil away from me. I love you God, but i cant stand you sometimes. I know that you don't give us more than we can handle, but I hate that you trust that I am that strong. Lord help to realize it. After that I got up, and sat for a while longer, telling reagan how sorry I was that I couldn't be with her, but that I would see her soon.
Triumphs, I had a triumph at the gravesite, I got the devil away from me, if just for a moment. But away from me he was, so I could talk to my little girl, ALONE!!!
Through this whole ordeal I have learned this huge lesson. Hold onto nothing from the past, NOTHING. For it will only, eventually, always, at some time, turn into a regret. REGRET is an intelligent (and/or emotional) dislike for personal(YOURSELF) past acts and behaviors. See regret doesnt affect the person or feeling that you had about something. That you were holding onto, it affects NO ONE!!!! Except you. So all these old feelings we are holding onto from our pasts, that we won't let go of, because, that person, has to learn a lesson, or because it wasn't fair. Do yourself a favor let it go now, before it has a chance to ever turn into a REGRET. Life is to short, so live it to the fullest, let go of all that baggage. Before it can kill you inside after it turns into REGRET. Because an once of unforgiveness, will eventually turn into a lifetime of REGRET.
One month ago I lost my daughter, I can only thank God that he prepared me for such a tragedy, and allowed me to carry on, with out REGRET. Can you say that? If something, tragic like this happened to you, what would YOU regret? I ask this only because I care. A lot of people say to me "I don't know how you are doing it? I couldn't imagine going through that. Well I am here to tell you, I couldn't imagine going through this, with a mound of REGRET on top of me. I love you, everyone reading this, I love you. Even those that I don't know, I love you. God loves you, he has a plan for you, and that plan doesn't include REGRET.
I come to you today, in complete faithfulness, God thanking you. Thanking you for another day to be strong for myself and my family, another day to listen with an open ear, and speak with a sensitive tongue. Father I ask only for the tools to guide my family, and to fight off the temptations of this world. Thank you father for another day of sobriety, I ask for many many more to come. Father, I thank you, I love you, and I know I am nothing with out you.
"For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death." 2 Corinthians 7:10.