A tough time, as if this isn't just one big tough time.
Today, is the day before Mother's day. The day all the husbands, and children, go run to the store at the last minute. Go to the store to get that special card for MOM. Today was not any different for me either. I went to the gym, then went to Target with the rest of the guys from the fire department. Seems everyone had the same idea, "Run to the store on shift." Than come home Sunday morning, and Ta-DA, your the hero, your the night in shining armor, your the man of the house bring home your lovely bride, the mother of your children something special. Something to let her know, just what you wanted to say all year, but was to pig headed to say it.
So, I went to the store, got out of the truck, walked in.....no problem. Walk into the card isle and froze.....thoughts!!! That's it, Thoughts.....thoughts overwhelmed me.
How do I buy my wife a Mother's Day Card....there are none that say: "To My Wife, I hate that you have to feel this heart wrenching pain, I'm sorry your little girl is here, no more. Though you still mourn her loss, and miss her daily, though you will always have "Those" moments. Baby, you know the moments, when your minding your business, having a "Good" Day, and then POW. Something triggers the emotions, then the tears, then the pain, and it feels like you have made ZERO progress. Though will always have those times, for the rest of your life....I hate that you have to feel that pain, I hate that you cant hold your child, when she says "Happy Mother's Day, Mommy." Though you won't get any of that, though it hurts so much. Remember the good times, remember her smile, remember the first time you saw her. Remember her "Belly Laugh" and her running around, remember the times you had TOGETHER, and REMEMBER she has died only to live, for eternity....remember she is with Our Father God, and Remember, you will see her again someday, and remember she would want you to have a Happy Mother's Day." Yes, there are no cards that say that, but I just said it. I know my wife reads my blog, and I pray that, that is the Mother's Day card she was looking for.....cause it is the best one they had, it was in the "From the Heart" section.
Thoughts.....oh yes I was talking about thoughts.....I thought, will my daughter know what I look like in heaven? I know she has here Father God there, does she get the love of a mother in heaven? Does God know how to give the love of a mother? We all know that the love of a mother is totally different than the love of a father. Right? I know I do. I mean, I am not questioning the love of God....I am just thinking, and rambling, and its my blog, I can do that.
I thought also, people tell me all the time. I don't know how you do it, or how are you doing it. Then I have people that were close to Reagan, who miss her very much. They say, I know how much I miss her, I know how hard it is for me....I can only imagine how much you miss her, or how hard it is on you. Well, to that I say this.......I know how much I miss my daughter, it kills me everyday, I miss her like crazy, and think about her all the time. I walk by her pictures or look at my tattoo on my forearm and think, WOW I can not believe this is my life. I say all this, to make this point. I know how much I miss my daughter, AND I can only imagine how much it hurts my wife. I can't imagine what it is like to give birth, breast feed, nurture, and raise a child only to have to say good bye. I can't imagine the pain that my wife feels, I know my pain, I know my worries, and I know my sorrow. I also know that my pain is nothing to the pain of "A Mother's Love." A father is there, YES....A father means, fun, and wrestling, and games....but a mother, Ohhhh but A mother, a mother means safety, she means wholesome, and caring. A mother means learning, and kisses, and hugs. A mother means tenderness, and unconditional love. A Mother Means, Mom....she means Everything gonna be alright cause mommy is here. So YES, I miss my daughter, But I can only imagine how much it hurts my wife.
Then I thought, ok......wow...I thought. I lost my daughter in January, its been almost four months. I've got four months of healing under my belt....then I thought about the family's that will lose their child tomorrow. I thought what about the mothers that will say good bye to their child ON Mother's Day. I guess it didn't matter what I thought about, it wasn't about the mother's. It was about thinking about someone else other than myself. I was thinking, as bad as I think life is on me.....life could be worse. For some people out there, life is worse. That's what I thought about. I thought, this life is not about me, stop being selfish, it isn't about me, and that my life is NOT that bad. And I thought, things could be worse....then I was able to thank God, for the life that He has blessed me with. because my life is not that bad. Though, I miss my daughter very much. Thanks be to God, He brings me through it. Life that is.
I thank you for every mother out there, Especially my mother, and my wife...Father, your an awesome God, and you never seem to stop amazing me. As I get deeper into my own stuff. You bring me through it with a much bigger picture of what REAL life is about and is supposed to be. Father please, protect all your children, allow then to be safe tomorrow, and Father, I pray if you are to call one of your children back home tomorrow, that you bless that person parents with the ease at their hearts, that you have blessed me with. Father, I Love You, I Thank You, an I know I am Nothing with out you.....
Thanks for letting me ramble, and Happy Mother's Day...