Sunday, April 12, 2009

The First Holiday

So, It has been awhile since I have blogged. I have thought about it plenty. Thought, maybe I should blog about this or about that. But, still no blog. It is Easter Morning, the first holiday without my baby Reagie. I am here at the Fire Station again. Kills me, not to be with my family. With God, I will get through this. So, now you will have to just to deal with my jumping around and blubbering like an idiot. Here goes nothing.

I really don't know where to start. I guess I will start with the family update:

My mom and sister:
I can't really tell you how my mom and sister are doing. Trying to be strong for me and Karen they don't really talk to us about their feelings. I pray they will feel comfortable to talk to us about it soon. I need to know that I am not the only one missing Reagan, and it help s to know how much she meant to others. :) I love my family dearly, and have become extremely close with them through the last three months. Closer than we have ever been before. I just don't want them to think that they can't express their feelings with me and Karen.

He has been making a tremendous turn around. One would not think that just three months ago he found his baby sister dead. He is now DONE with therapy appt's. Therapist said he was doing great(for now) she said it will come up again prob. later on in life. We signed him up for Goddard School last week and he will start on Tuesday. He has started eating ALOT broader menu, with items like chili, rice, veggies, and meat (other than chicken). Also as of last night, he gave his na-na's(pacifiers) to the Easter Bunny, and the Easter Bunny gave him Tons of toys and candy. I'll keep you updated on the progress of that. Aiden talks about his sister a ton. He nows knows she is in heaven with Jesus, and she is flying around with the angels. If he talks about her, no matter where he is, he goes to the window to look up into the clouds to see her. He misses her alot, you never realize how much he misses her till he talk about her. He kisses her photos, and prays for her at night. Just the other day, he was holding our friend's baby(Maggie) and looked up at Karen and asked her if this was his Baby Reagie. That killed Karen inside. But it lets us know that he will be a great big brother once again someday.

Karen has her ups and downs. We are making absolute tromendous strides in our couples couseling. We have shifted our couples couseling from "Grief" coulseling to now "Marriage" couseling. It is going awesome with that. We are learning so much about each other, and how to communicate with each other. We have learned that our marraige is a God blessed thing, cause there are so many worldly factors that say we should not last and should be divorced, SOON. But, we just keep loving each other, and supporting each other. Getting each other through one day at a time. Karen also sees a private therapist, and is looking good there to. She had a bad patch there when she got the call from the funeral home saying "When ever your ready, we have Little Reagan's Death Certificate ready to be picked up." Are you kidding me lady, your not calling about a birthday cake we ordered. Anyways. That sent Karen into a 4 day depression. I saw her falling deeper and deeper, and we came to the realization between therapy and Celebrate Recovery that she was holding onto it and wasnt talking about it. Trying to do it on her own. We both realized, we have to purge our feelings if we are going to be able to get on in life. Feelings held onto, are just lead balloons weighing us down. Keeping us stuck where we are. Recently Karen accepted a full time position at the hospital. This will be a promotion for her, and should mean less bedside care. Praying it will help. She hasnt started back to work yet, she goes back the first week in May. THAT will be another adjustment. My wife is a great woman, she took this position with me in mind...she took it to keep the option open for me to leave the fire dept. if that is where I felt God calling me (I will get into that later). But amazing woman none the less. She has held me up when I wanted to fall. She has been my support, when I felt there was none. She is my everything, my God sent, hero. I Love Her like never before. We just work well together ( except on special projects, Like the yard work) I love my wife just the way she is. With her not wanting to touch the muddy weeds with out gloves, She does anyways. When she is at her weakest, she is still the strongest woman I know. She is a great mother, and the perfect, inperfect wife. For that, I love her. There is no perfect wife, just as there is no perfect person, but my wife is the PERFECT fit for me. We just fit, WELL together. Karen, I love you, and may God continue to bless our lives together.

Now onto me:
I have had extreme ups and downs, peaks and valleys, trials and tribulations. My life will never be the same. See today is the first holiday without my big girl "Reagie" three months ago tomorrow she died and my life has changed since. Today is Easter, and all I can't think about as I sit here in my little room at the Fire station, away from my family. Is why? Why do I not get to see my little girl in her easter dress. See, I am the creative one in my family. I am the stylish one in my family, my wife might not think so, but I know so. I pick out the special outfits for the kids. I shop alot online and find great deals on awesome clothes. I say all this because yesterday as I shopped in Target for an outfit for Aiden. He is still wearing 4T or 5T clothes. So the toddler boys and the toddler girls clothes are right next to each other. As I stood there shopping, for Aiden. I couldnt help but look over and see the toddler girls clothes. All the Easter dresses, all the new spring lineup of girls bathing suits. When you lose a child you never think about those little things like that. But after you lose a child it is all that is in your mind. So, I am standing inside Target and I am crying looking at the moms shop for their daughters perfect easter dress, knowing that this year there will be no Easter Dress for me to smile over. No white or pink or purples, no cute hat, or pretty socks with the perfect shoes. Nope, none of that. There will be no beautiful girls bathing suits for me this year. And that all hit me at once. I remember I was sitting in the foyer area at church last night. We were babysitting the Bogg's little baby Maggie, the one Aiden was holding when he asked if she was his' little Reagie. Karen had her in a sling, just as she used to carry Reagan. I remember sitting there looking at Karen, and thinking(selfishly) I don't want Karen to be holding another baby, I want Karen to be holding our baby Reagie. She should be dressing her up in her glowing and flowing Easter Dress, so everyone could say how beautiful she looked. She should be hugging her and kissing her on the forehead just as she used to. She should be chasing her around and listening to her chuckle that deep laugh that she had. My wife, should be doing all these things. But she wasn't. No, there will be none of that this year, and it all hit a wall at that point. I was pissed, I was mad, and I questioned God for the first time. Why? Why did a good mother and father, not get to see these things on such a beautiful holiday. I was doubting and I was angry, and now I was late for church. I was sitting right outside, and I was late. I remember going into to church, having to sit on the back row, cause Karen had Baby Maggie. The worship started and I was crying, and praying, and ready to SCREAM. I didn't want to be there at that time, but I needed to be right where God needed me, AGAIN! I prayed that God release me from this funk I was in, and let me worship him to the highest, and let me hear his word speak to me. I finished my prayer, and I began to worship like never before. The tears were flowing so heavy that I couldnt see the words on the screen, so it helped that I knew the songs. I worshipped so hard, I felt like I was screaming to God. Probably, cause I was!!! I was screaming at the top of my lungs. THANK YOU!! God, Thank you for all that you have done in my life, thank you for your almighty sacrifice. That you for the ability and knowledge of this celebration of this EASTER holiday. THis holiday is not about pretty white, yellow, pink, and purple dresses. It's not about beautiful, bonnets, and hats, or fluffy socks, and shiny shoes. It's not about eggs, or candy. Its not about slacks, dress shirts and vests, or pastel shirts on boys. AND IT SURE ALL HELL AINT ABOUT ME!!!!!!!!! It took hearing and seeing at the same exact time, what Jesus Christ, My Savior, My God went through for me and my sins. It's about a REBEL, of his times, and how he died the almighty death, ONLY to say "SCREW YOU DEATH"!!! My savior defeated death and rose three days later, he is seated at the right hand of our Great God. He died for us and our sins. AND THAT IS WHAT IT IS ABOUT!!!! I am sorry God, please forgive me, for trying to make this joyous day about me, and my petty life. I praise you God, and I thank you for all that you have done, AND all that you will do. I love you God, I thank you God, and I know I am nothing without you.

To be continued......

1 comment:

  1. My heart goes out to you and your family! I lost my daughter in a car accident almost 5 years ago. She was 14 years old. Easter was still a bittersweet day for me. the youth have always done the sunrise service and she always sang and participated in her new Easter outfit. I have no idea how your family feels but appreciate and envy the fact that you can express yourself so eloquently in this blog. I think I heard about this accident as I think my sister Anna works with your wife at the hospital. You have been in my prayers for months and remain there today. Maryann