A tough time, as if this isn't just one big tough time.
Today, is the day before Mother's day. The day all the husbands, and children, go run to the store at the last minute. Go to the store to get that special card for MOM. Today was not any different for me either. I went to the gym, then went to Target with the rest of the guys from the fire department. Seems everyone had the same idea, "Run to the store on shift." Than come home Sunday morning, and Ta-DA, your the hero, your the night in shining armor, your the man of the house bring home your lovely bride, the mother of your children something special. Something to let her know, just what you wanted to say all year, but was to pig headed to say it.
So, I went to the store, got out of the truck, walked in.....no problem. Walk into the card isle and froze.....thoughts!!! That's it, Thoughts.....thoughts overwhelmed me.
How do I buy my wife a Mother's Day Card....there are none that say: "To My Wife, I hate that you have to feel this heart wrenching pain, I'm sorry your little girl is here, no more. Though you still mourn her loss, and miss her daily, though you will always have "Those" moments. Baby, you know the moments, when your minding your business, having a "Good" Day, and then POW. Something triggers the emotions, then the tears, then the pain, and it feels like you have made ZERO progress. Though will always have those times, for the rest of your life....I hate that you have to feel that pain, I hate that you cant hold your child, when she says "Happy Mother's Day, Mommy." Though you won't get any of that, though it hurts so much. Remember the good times, remember her smile, remember the first time you saw her. Remember her "Belly Laugh" and her running around, remember the times you had TOGETHER, and REMEMBER she has died only to live, for eternity....remember she is with Our Father God, and Remember, you will see her again someday, and remember she would want you to have a Happy Mother's Day." Yes, there are no cards that say that, but I just said it. I know my wife reads my blog, and I pray that, that is the Mother's Day card she was looking for.....cause it is the best one they had, it was in the "From the Heart" section.
Thoughts.....oh yes I was talking about thoughts.....I thought, will my daughter know what I look like in heaven? I know she has here Father God there, does she get the love of a mother in heaven? Does God know how to give the love of a mother? We all know that the love of a mother is totally different than the love of a father. Right? I know I do. I mean, I am not questioning the love of God....I am just thinking, and rambling, and its my blog, I can do that.
I thought also, people tell me all the time. I don't know how you do it, or how are you doing it. Then I have people that were close to Reagan, who miss her very much. They say, I know how much I miss her, I know how hard it is for me....I can only imagine how much you miss her, or how hard it is on you. Well, to that I say this.......I know how much I miss my daughter, it kills me everyday, I miss her like crazy, and think about her all the time. I walk by her pictures or look at my tattoo on my forearm and think, WOW I can not believe this is my life. I say all this, to make this point. I know how much I miss my daughter, AND I can only imagine how much it hurts my wife. I can't imagine what it is like to give birth, breast feed, nurture, and raise a child only to have to say good bye. I can't imagine the pain that my wife feels, I know my pain, I know my worries, and I know my sorrow. I also know that my pain is nothing to the pain of "A Mother's Love." A father is there, YES....A father means, fun, and wrestling, and games....but a mother, Ohhhh but A mother, a mother means safety, she means wholesome, and caring. A mother means learning, and kisses, and hugs. A mother means tenderness, and unconditional love. A Mother Means, Mom....she means Everything gonna be alright cause mommy is here. So YES, I miss my daughter, But I can only imagine how much it hurts my wife.
Then I thought, ok......wow...I thought. I lost my daughter in January, its been almost four months. I've got four months of healing under my belt....then I thought about the family's that will lose their child tomorrow. I thought what about the mothers that will say good bye to their child ON Mother's Day. I guess it didn't matter what I thought about, it wasn't about the mother's. It was about thinking about someone else other than myself. I was thinking, as bad as I think life is on me.....life could be worse. For some people out there, life is worse. That's what I thought about. I thought, this life is not about me, stop being selfish, it isn't about me, and that my life is NOT that bad. And I thought, things could be worse....then I was able to thank God, for the life that He has blessed me with. because my life is not that bad. Though, I miss my daughter very much. Thanks be to God, He brings me through it. Life that is.
I thank you for every mother out there, Especially my mother, and my wife...Father, your an awesome God, and you never seem to stop amazing me. As I get deeper into my own stuff. You bring me through it with a much bigger picture of what REAL life is about and is supposed to be. Father please, protect all your children, allow then to be safe tomorrow, and Father, I pray if you are to call one of your children back home tomorrow, that you bless that person parents with the ease at their hearts, that you have blessed me with. Father, I Love You, I Thank You, an I know I am Nothing with out you.....
Thanks for letting me ramble, and Happy Mother's Day...
Saturday, May 2, 2009
So it has been a crazy time in my life lately. It can all be summed up as "God's Will". I am filled with such a mix of emotions in my life right now. Goods and Bads. I am so excited at what God has done, is doing, and yet to do in my life. On April 20, 2009 I turned in my resignation into the City of Woodstock Fire Department, where I have been a firefighter/paramedic for 3 yrs now. My last shift ever at this department will be May 21st, 2009. I feel God is calling me to "Clear" up my schedule, for something huge that he has. By leaving the Fire Department, I am leaving behind some of my best friends, my brothers and sisters, my comrades, and at some times my enemies, but for the most part my second family. The guys at the fire dept. will be with me for the rest of my life. I will never forget them. The bond I have built with them is unbreakable. That is part of the mixed emotions. I battled for months with God, because I DID NOT want to leave what I worked so hard to accomplish....but that's just it. If I stayed at the Fire Dept. it would be for selfish reasons. Not for follow God's will, not for the youth, DEF. not for my family. The big sale for fire fighters is we only work 10 times a month, but that is 10 24 hr shifts. Turns into 240 hrs a month, which means a lot of time away from my family. If my daughter dying has taught me anything, it is to make the most out of everything. (Most to me, now means, most for God) Cherish the time we have with our families. Most importantly, do what you feel God is calling us to do....for me right now, that is my family, Uprising(youth), and Celebrate Recovery. I feel God brought me to Woodstock Fire Department to reach people. He has given me ease at my heart that, that is done. I love the guys from the dept, and will miss the crap out of them. Fact is though, if I work part time, go to school full time for nursing. I will get done in about 1 1/2 yrs...making double what I make now, and working 100 hrs. less a month....that equals more time home, more time with youth and more time with CR and God.
So the plan is, I don't have a plan....I am on total faith here. What I am thinking is, work part time doing something, go to school full time for nursing degree, and then work as a nurse after school. But that is all up in the air. If I had my choice I would do something with my church to service the vision of the church and service and worship God with my love, time an energy. I love the church God has blessed me with, and want to be part of the works of it, so badly. I just wanna give back, I have been a taker my whole life. Now it is time for Kevin Newman to give back, and give God everything back that he has given me, which is everything. I don't know what God has in my future, but I am pretty dang excited about it.
Aiden has done so awesome in school, he had a little problem with being rough with the other kids, but that is all resolved. I am so blessed to have such a handsome and well behaved little boy. I say little, but he is more and more like a little man everyday. He says some of the craziest stuff, and just makes me laugh all the time.
Karen, goes back to work tomorrow for 8 hrs. I am so proud of my wife for going back to work, I am sure she will do great. But, honestly I am nervous for her. I know it will be tough on her. Maybe since she waited a little longer to go back than me, she will be better. With God all things are possible. So, we can only hold onto that, and know that crap WILL happen. God has our backs though. My wife and I are going through couples counseling still. I feel it helps out so much with dealing with everything, and making our marriage the best we possibly can. A bad marriage only keeps you from being everything God intends for you to be. Our counselor is Jerry, from First Baptist of Woodstock, he is awesome. He has us reading a book I think it is called "Building a strong Christian Marriage" something to that sort. I will let you know the real title later. It's awesome, cause we now read the chapters out loud to each other. When the first chapter we used it like a competition between each other. Karen and I are slowly learning, it is us against the world, with God as our Captain....that is our team. It hasn't always been like that though. On the other hand, we are leaving on May 24 after the baptism service, to go to South Florida. Karen and I will be going on a cruise, just the two of us, and Aiden will stay with his Mam-Mam...we are so excited. We need this vacation. I have heard through the "Grapevine" that some critics are wondering why we are going on a vacation so soon after our daughter dying. I say to that "Lose a child and see if God doesn't get you away for a reset also." We both agree, we do nothing without God's permission. I Love My Wife and she is truly my sole mate and my best friend.
I dealt with some health issues....AGAIN!!! I feel like a lemon sometimes. I fear Karen will try to RETURN me, but I think she lost her receipt. Which is great news for me. My right jaw got infected from getting all four of my wisdom teeth pulled. I had to go to another oral surgeon for treatment, because the first one I went to was a "Chop Shop". It is all clearing up now, thanks to my new doctor.
We finally got the life insurance in, and we paid for all of Reagan's funeral costs. Now she has a beautiful plot marker ordered. Sorry baby girl it took so long. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of Reagie. There are still sometimes that I look at a picture or think about her, and think God, I can not believe this is my life. How could God trust us so much, to put this on us. Answer, he does, and it is because he has prepared us with tools needed to get through this.
That is really all that is going on, right now. I am sure I will think of something else after I send this.
I started my "Reagan Memorial Tattoo" this is four hours still have about 8 hours left on it.
I ask only that you pray for me and my family, for wisdom and guidance from God. I do not wish to take another step without God's hand in the equation.
Oh, Yea, I thought of something else. I celebrated 3 yrs of sobriety from drugs and alcohol on May 1st, 2009. I can not believe it has been 3 yrs. I pray to God and praise Him for the ability to love him and myself, enough to yearn His guidance in my life, and Love the life He has blessed me with. I have an AMAZING accountability circle around me. From my wife, to family, to friends, to Celebrate Recovery, to Church, even to the youth of Uprising...they are all being used by God to keep me in check and accountable and on His right track.
I love you all, and thank you for even bothering to read my rambling thoughts. As you know if I don't purge my thoughts, I submerge them....if I submerge, I relapse; if I relapse, I let myself and God down....I mean I let A LOT of other people down, but if I think that far, I put to much pressure on myself.
Thanks, OH and leave some comments, see if any of this makes sense to anyone out there.
God, I thank you for everything you have done with my life. I thank you for being a God that gives and takes away. You are an awesome God, I thank you for working through me to reach others. I ask only God that you continue to guide me, and help me to stay out of the way with what you are doing in my life. I Love You God, I Thank You, and I Know I am NOTHING with out you. In Jesus name I pray, AMEN.